


Shelby's Guide to Lesbian-ing

by Madquinn13



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Drabble, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:55:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29629425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madquinn13/pseuds/Madquinn13
Summary: There is a lot of lesbian related jokes Shelby just doesn't understand.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 6
Kudos: 99





	1. Totinos

“I don’t get it, how can a pizza snack be gay code?” Shelby looked at Fatin for clarification. 

“You know, Kristen Stewart?” 

“Oh, yeah no we weren’t allowed to watch her movies, I did see Snow White and the Huntsman but I had no idea of the behind the scenes sins.” 

“How controlling is your dad?” Leah asked before she could think about how the phrasing was wrong. 

“He is not controlling, he’s protective.” Shelby defended. “Dot, tell them how he is like a lot of fathers back home.” 

“Yeah no my dad was chill as fuck. He might be normal for a father in your church. But don’t blame Fort Travis.” 

“So you haven’t seen SNL?”

“No Daddy ignores the existence of New York.”

“Why?” Nora was so fascinated by these odd little facts by Shleby’s family. 

“Because it’s _a big-shot city where you’re liable to step on a syringe_.” Shelby explained as if it was the most obvious reason. 

“Well yeah it was, in the like 80s.” 

“If you want to step on syringes there are plenty around our town.” Toni looked up from her spot resting with her head in Shelby’s lap.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Shelby smiled down at her hand playing with Toni’s hair.

“Wait, how did we get to this topic again?”

“Leah said she could kill for Totino’s. Fatin said she would kill for Totino’s with _Sabine_.”

“It’s a fake commercial where a wife stop waiting on her husband and his friends and instead falls in love with and screws Kristen Stewart while also speaking French now and then.”

“Oh…”

“It got steamy as fuck.” 

“You can watch it on youtube when we get off here.” Toni reassured her.

“Oh Shelby you have a very big and steamy hot world to explore now. Trust me so good.” Fatin did the chef kiss to top it off. “Just remember don’t listen to the stereotypes, you don’t have to have gross nails like Dot.” 

“Again not a lesbian.”

“You have socks and sandals on that says different.” 

“So I need to learn a bunch of new rules and code words?”

“Fuck no. You don’t have to do anything different.” Toni reassured her. “You’re awesome just as you are.”

“You really blocked out everything even remotely gay didn’t you?” Martha had such sadness in her eyes at the thought of how lonely and boring that must have been. 

“Well yeah.”

“But you like watched Ellen.” Rachel couldn’t think of anyone who never saw even a bit of Ellen. 

“And risk getting a lecture? No thank you.” 

“Wow, what did you watch?”

“Friday Night Lights…” 

“What even is that?” 

“Show about hot teenage boys slamming into each other.” Fatin grinned.


	2. Pillow Princess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shelby learns the term Pillow Princess

Fatin was staring up at the sky pondering the theory on her mind.   
“Leah.” She decided was the answer.   
“Oh fuck you, clearly the most likely of all of us to be a pillow princess is you.”   
“Nah see I like sex too much. Plus I already have eaten pussy so that proves that.”

“I’m so confused right now.” Shelby was spread out on the sand, hand cover her eyes trying to ease her headache.   
“I might have said Shelby but the hickeys on Toni show that isn’t likely.”   
“Those aren’t hickeys and I didn’t give them to her!” Shelby defended herself. “I told you Leah sleep attacked her.”   
Toni rolled her eyes. “Leah didn’t sleep attack me, I went too deep in the ocean and had leeches stuck to me.”   
“What is confusing you Shelby?” Dot offered her the life line.   
“What even is a pillow princess?”   
Fatin looked way to interested in answering and Shelby was thankful that Nora spoke up first.   
“It’s a term, usually an insult, for a partner who doesn’t reciprocate sexual pleasure.” Nora stated factually.   
“Like how Lorna was with Nikki in Orange is the New Black.”   
“Ya’ll really think I was watching Orange is the New Black?”

“Everyone knows the lipsticks are more likely to be pillow princesses.” Rachel rolled her eyes.   
“Lipsticks?” Shelby felt her head hurt even more and groaned. Why was everything so confusing.  
“We’ll get into that tomorrow.” Toni reassured her, giving everyone a look to show that the topic was finished. “Just ignore what they say they’re all idiots who are bored and have decided talking shit is the best form of entertainment.” Toni followed Shelby over to where the airplane seat had landed so they could talk with privacy.

“Why’d you think Shelby was be a pillow princess? I mean its a forbidden thing that she is risking pissing off God to have, I feel like if you’re that far, you’re gonna get deep in that shit.”   
“And risk ruining her nails? Come on.” Leah glanced over at them and then over to where Martha was in their group. “So who’d you think tops?”


	3. Lesbian Films

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shelby learns about some famous lesbian movies. And has a heart to heart with Fatin about dick.

“Really? Never?” Fatin sounded disappointed.   
“Why would I watch some French movie?”   
“They had a plaster cast made of the star’s pussy.” This seemed like Fatin’s biggest point.   
“That was just a rumor.” Nora pointed out.  
“Who gives a shit?” Toni snapped. “It’s just some lame ass French film.”  
“With every possible sexual position for lesbians.”  
“What?” Shelby started coughing slightly choking on the water she just drank before mentally counting on her fingers the different ways she knew of. It couldn’t have been more than 4 right?  
“It was a tasteful art film.”  
“It was a soft core porn pretending to be a lesbian art film.” Leah sighed. “It really drifted from the struggles of coming to terms with homosexuality.”   
Shelby and Toni stared at Leah.  
“Yeah, tell us how hard that is, to deal with gay thoughts Leah?”  
“So you haven’t seen any artsy gay films?”  
“I saw Black Swan.” Toni felt like she needed to defend herself.   
“Yeah Toni has a crush on Natile Portman.”  
“Oh God you have a weird star wars fantasy don’t you?” Shelby seemed grossed out just by the possibility.  
“No.”   
“She has a weird Cold Mountain fantasy.” Martha burst out laughing.  
“Really? Mountain folk during the civil war are your thing?” Shelby was going to enjoy teasing her over this.   
“Whatever, probably fucked your hot tub thinking of the virgin Mary.” Toni grumbled getting a light smack from Shelby.  
“Don’t be gross.”   
“Yeah pretty sure fantasizing about Jesus’ mom is a trip to hell.” Dot wasn’t religious but she was pretty sure touching yourself thinking about various important holy figures was a big no no.  
“It’s easy to go to hell.” Shelby was starting to get lost in her head. 

“I’d fuck Margot Robbie.” Leah offered.  
“Anyone with a pulse would fuck Margot Robbie.” Fatin rolled her eyes. “Right Shelby?”  
“Hmm? The woman from Tarzan?”   
“Yeah.”  
“Yeah she’s cute.”   
“Way to go Shelby!” 

They had finished off the vodka and mixed it with the more of the gummy bears and now they were all gathered around the fire.   
“Okay, would you rather give up sex for good or give up all food but lettuce?” Rachel started the game off.  
“Really? So tough.”  
“You kidding? Fuck food. Sex is better. If you want to eat something, eat a dick.” Fatin, ever the word smith. “He’s a hard one. Would you rather have to blow your dad or eat out your mom?”  
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Shelby was so disgusted.   
“See I feel like Dad would finish faster.”  
Shelby got up looking around at them. “Well on that note I’m going to go throw up and die in the woods because anything is better than listening to Fatin explaining how fast she could blow her dad.”   
“I wouldn’t blow my dad. He’s a whore. I don’t want to get the clap from his nasty dick.”   
“That is why you wouldn’t blow your dad? That. Who hurt you Fatin?”  
“Her Dad clearly.” Toni joked. 

“I can’t believe you shared your dad’s nudes.” Shelby and Fatin staring up at the night sky from their spot on the grassy cliff.   
“He deserved to be humiliated, he wasn’t even trying to hide it.”   
“But he’s your dad.”   
“So? He’s still a dick. Fuck him. I mean you must feel the same way with yours.” Fatin did low key love how aside from Toni, she was the only one who knew just how Shelby’s home life was. All it took was some breakdown bonding.   
“No. Of course not. I don’t hate my dad.”  
“He told you if you act on your feelings you’ll be disowned. Trust me that is like one of the biggest reasons to hate your dad and no one will blame you.”   
“He only did that because he loves me and doesn’t want to be alone. Besides it costs nothing to be respectful Fatin.”  
“It costs a fucking load to be respectful to assholes who doesn’t deserve the time of day. Trust me, God wouldn’t hold it against you.”   
“It’s easier to forgive than hold a grudge.”  
“Just for that I am getting you into so many shows that were canceled or queerbaited.”


End file.
